Inevitable part 1
I knew this day would come. It always does. Believe me, no matter how smart or careful you think you are or how clueless you think your partner is, it happens. And when it does, you are forced to deal with the uncomfortable reality you have been hiding from them. Its inevitable. Read on.
So I came home from running some errands to find my wife sitting next to a half bottle of white wine and in an unsettled state. Clearly she was upset about something but at this point, it could have been anything. A neighbor, her sister the car, really it could be anything.
As I put away the groceries, she didn't move from the couch. All she said was "hello". This is never a good sign. My internal warning light was flashing red. Something was up and it wasn't good. Hi hun.. whats going on here? I asked. She just stared at me for a second, then said "oh you know, just the usual.. but let me know when your settled in." My oh shit meter went to 11.
Okay.. whats up? I tried to be casual. "You know, I would think after all this time, you could be honest with me at least. I mean, givin the years of lies we lived. I deserve that at least." Yes, yes you do. Of course. What is the matter? Whats going on?
Well, I was cleaning today and decided to reorganize our bedroom closet. Do you have something you want to tell me? Wait, never mind. You would just lie to me anyway. I really don't believe you. Jesus." With that she stood up and walked into the bedroom and I followed. There on bench at the foot of your bed was my bottom draw. The one I keep my dildo's and lube in.
"What the fuck is this? she said pointing to it. Are you fucking k**ding me? Is THIS why we don't have sex anymore? What the fuck is wrong with you? This is disgusting. This is completely disgusting shit and I want it out of the house .. NOW. Get it the fuck out of here NOW!!! She is screaming at the top of her lungs now. I'm not touching it. I almost threw up when I saw them. My god, you have dildo's. Did you think you were going to use them on me? Thats not fucking happening. What the fuck do you do with them? My god, do you use them? What the fuck? Those things are really big.. and you USE them? Thats disgusting. I can't even think about that.. get them the fuck out of here now! I don't want to see them.. and I don't want to see you. You and your dildo's can get the fuck out of my house!"
This is the moment I have dreaded for decades and it was inevitable. The moment was here and I had to make the choice: Truth or more lies. I decided to finally stand my ground.
Honey, you have every right to be upset and I am sorry this unfolded this way. I am really sorry. Really. Then I paused and took a deep breath. But this is not your house.. its our house.. and we both live here. And I have as much right to be here and to be happy here as you do, so lets talk about this. Yes, its upsetting but its not the end of the world. There just sex toys.
"Disgusting. You disgust me you lying piece of shit. Get that shit out of here. Get it out of the house. It grosses me out. Fuck, the thought. Ugh. Disgusting. What do you do with them? Wait, don't tell me. God, that is so fucking GROSS."
Maybe and I can see how you feel that way but your reaction is exactly why I lied and hid it from you for years. I have always needed more than you were willing to give. I am sorry but its true. Take a deep breath and consider how angry you are and how upset you are about finding sex toys. That is why I hide them. You think the whole thing is disgusting. You think sex is dirty except for the way you think about it.
"Thats not true. I like sex. Its you who were never here, I had the k**s, I did the house, I did my mother and your mother and your aunt. I did everything and never asked for a thing. You breeze in, do your little thing and expect what? Sex? Well sorry buddy but I am too fucking tired of doing everything all the time to have anything more in mind than sleep."
You are exactly right. You did everything and I appreciated it. But that was the agreement we had. I make the money and you do the house and k**s. Thats what we were doing together, right?
"Bull shit. I .could have had a boyfriend. I got hit on. I turned down a few guys".
Yeah, you shared that before. But thats not really the point now is it.
"Then what is the point? And get that shit out of my sight. God. Dildo's. and whats that lube? Ugh.. that is disgusting. OUT!"
Yeah, right there .. thats the point. I have to hide my sexuality from you because you think its disgusting. Therefore you think Im disgusting. Me. My needs and desires are revolting to you. Thats why did did what I did. To avoid this.
"We never talked about this. EVER."
We never talked about anything sexual. Thats the problem. Even in therapy whenever the subject of sex came up you were quick to dismiss it... even when it was the problem. You don't like sex. You don't like to talk about sex or anything to do with sex.
"Thats not true". And you could bring it up anytime you wanted if its such a big deal. But you didn't. You lied and hid your little sex toys. Wait, when did you use them? Was I in the house? Oh god.. I'm gonna be sick."
Sorry, but I believe its true even if you don't. And your reaction so something that 30 million households have and use on the regular is a pretty good indicator I am right. The very idea of something non vanilla is so upsetting to you. I am willing to bet that half your girlfriends have battery operated boyfriends in the bedrooms. Have you ever talked about it?
"We don't talk about that kind of thing" Ugh. No"
Millions and millions of couples and individuals use sex toys every single day. its a multi billion dollar industry if you include porn.
"PORN? What about PORN now? And no, I don't believe it. Those are peoples daughters in those things. Disgusting. Real people don't do that kind of thing. They don't watch porn and they don't have sex toys. That is just bullshit."
No, its not bullshit and yes, its completely normal. Its just not normal for you and it never was.
"And it never will be bucko." she said.
And youve just made my point. You don't like it, youve never liked it and you will never like it. Thats why I hid it from you. My normal is disgusting to you. You gave me no choice but to lie and hide it. and to answer your question from a while ago, yes. This is part of why we don't have sex. Its not everything but its part of it.
So I came home from running some errands to find my wife sitting next to a half bottle of white wine and in an unsettled state. Clearly she was upset about something but at this point, it could have been anything. A neighbor, her sister the car, really it could be anything.
As I put away the groceries, she didn't move from the couch. All she said was "hello". This is never a good sign. My internal warning light was flashing red. Something was up and it wasn't good. Hi hun.. whats going on here? I asked. She just stared at me for a second, then said "oh you know, just the usual.. but let me know when your settled in." My oh shit meter went to 11.
Okay.. whats up? I tried to be casual. "You know, I would think after all this time, you could be honest with me at least. I mean, givin the years of lies we lived. I deserve that at least." Yes, yes you do. Of course. What is the matter? Whats going on?
Well, I was cleaning today and decided to reorganize our bedroom closet. Do you have something you want to tell me? Wait, never mind. You would just lie to me anyway. I really don't believe you. Jesus." With that she stood up and walked into the bedroom and I followed. There on bench at the foot of your bed was my bottom draw. The one I keep my dildo's and lube in.
"What the fuck is this? she said pointing to it. Are you fucking k**ding me? Is THIS why we don't have sex anymore? What the fuck is wrong with you? This is disgusting. This is completely disgusting shit and I want it out of the house .. NOW. Get it the fuck out of here NOW!!! She is screaming at the top of her lungs now. I'm not touching it. I almost threw up when I saw them. My god, you have dildo's. Did you think you were going to use them on me? Thats not fucking happening. What the fuck do you do with them? My god, do you use them? What the fuck? Those things are really big.. and you USE them? Thats disgusting. I can't even think about that.. get them the fuck out of here now! I don't want to see them.. and I don't want to see you. You and your dildo's can get the fuck out of my house!"
This is the moment I have dreaded for decades and it was inevitable. The moment was here and I had to make the choice: Truth or more lies. I decided to finally stand my ground.
Honey, you have every right to be upset and I am sorry this unfolded this way. I am really sorry. Really. Then I paused and took a deep breath. But this is not your house.. its our house.. and we both live here. And I have as much right to be here and to be happy here as you do, so lets talk about this. Yes, its upsetting but its not the end of the world. There just sex toys.
"Disgusting. You disgust me you lying piece of shit. Get that shit out of here. Get it out of the house. It grosses me out. Fuck, the thought. Ugh. Disgusting. What do you do with them? Wait, don't tell me. God, that is so fucking GROSS."
Maybe and I can see how you feel that way but your reaction is exactly why I lied and hid it from you for years. I have always needed more than you were willing to give. I am sorry but its true. Take a deep breath and consider how angry you are and how upset you are about finding sex toys. That is why I hide them. You think the whole thing is disgusting. You think sex is dirty except for the way you think about it.
"Thats not true. I like sex. Its you who were never here, I had the k**s, I did the house, I did my mother and your mother and your aunt. I did everything and never asked for a thing. You breeze in, do your little thing and expect what? Sex? Well sorry buddy but I am too fucking tired of doing everything all the time to have anything more in mind than sleep."
You are exactly right. You did everything and I appreciated it. But that was the agreement we had. I make the money and you do the house and k**s. Thats what we were doing together, right?
"Bull shit. I .could have had a boyfriend. I got hit on. I turned down a few guys".
Yeah, you shared that before. But thats not really the point now is it.
"Then what is the point? And get that shit out of my sight. God. Dildo's. and whats that lube? Ugh.. that is disgusting. OUT!"
Yeah, right there .. thats the point. I have to hide my sexuality from you because you think its disgusting. Therefore you think Im disgusting. Me. My needs and desires are revolting to you. Thats why did did what I did. To avoid this.
"We never talked about this. EVER."
We never talked about anything sexual. Thats the problem. Even in therapy whenever the subject of sex came up you were quick to dismiss it... even when it was the problem. You don't like sex. You don't like to talk about sex or anything to do with sex.
"Thats not true". And you could bring it up anytime you wanted if its such a big deal. But you didn't. You lied and hid your little sex toys. Wait, when did you use them? Was I in the house? Oh god.. I'm gonna be sick."
Sorry, but I believe its true even if you don't. And your reaction so something that 30 million households have and use on the regular is a pretty good indicator I am right. The very idea of something non vanilla is so upsetting to you. I am willing to bet that half your girlfriends have battery operated boyfriends in the bedrooms. Have you ever talked about it?
"We don't talk about that kind of thing" Ugh. No"
Millions and millions of couples and individuals use sex toys every single day. its a multi billion dollar industry if you include porn.
"PORN? What about PORN now? And no, I don't believe it. Those are peoples daughters in those things. Disgusting. Real people don't do that kind of thing. They don't watch porn and they don't have sex toys. That is just bullshit."
No, its not bullshit and yes, its completely normal. Its just not normal for you and it never was.
"And it never will be bucko." she said.
And youve just made my point. You don't like it, youve never liked it and you will never like it. Thats why I hid it from you. My normal is disgusting to you. You gave me no choice but to lie and hide it. and to answer your question from a while ago, yes. This is part of why we don't have sex. Its not everything but its part of it.
7 months ago
